I gathered from your comments that some of you picked up an angry vibe coming from this direction. Check your Geiger Counters folks; it was pure satire. If it wasn't, I might have written something along the lines of this.

Dear Dr. X.,

I am now dummer from having taken your class and staring into your butt-like butt of a face.

Thanks for nothing,

Max

P.S. You smell.

See the difference?

I received an interesting letter in the mail today. Inside the large envelope from the religion department at a certain University was a paper I'd written 4 months ago, and, apparently, my professor had just now finished grading it. He attached a note apologizing/rationalizing that 'we respond better to criticism about our writing when we've had some detachment from it.'

Perhaps this is true, but I found it particularly curious that he'd been able to assign me a grade for the course without actually grading my paper (worth 60% of my grade, if I remember correctly). In a sense, it was nice to see he'd made the effort; in another sense, my fairness-sense is tingling (like a spidey-sense, get it).

I toyed with the idea of grading his responses and sending the whole package right back to his office, but I was out-voted by my nicey-sense. Here's what I would have written.

Dr. X,

Thank you for returning my paper. I read your lengthy notes, and I was pleased that you actually read what I wrote and thought about what I said. Unfortunately, I found many of your comments to be out of place. Some were overly wooden, almost seeming as if you'd cut and pasted comments from another paper onto mine. Do you use the same comments for multiple papers? Most institutions consider this plagiarism. Also, I found myself wondering whether you fully understood the assignment you assigned. You assigned an academic paper, but, at times, you graded my paper as if it was supposed to be an entertaining feature in Reader's Digest. Let me remind you that a thesis statement is not designed with titillation in mind. That said, I'd like to see you improve your consistency in grading. Also, I found a number of typos and grammatical errors; ironically, while lecturing me against using split infinitives (even though most present-day grammarians accept their occasional use), you wrote an incomprehensible dangling participle. (If that error was your attempt at humor, it was in bad taste; leave the jokes to "Laughter is the Best Medicine"). Furthermore, you wrote with a general lack of references; if I wanted opinions, I'd pick up the op-ed page of the New York Times. Be sure to remember that your thoughts aren't facts! Cite your references! On the positive side, your comments were neat; thank you for taking the time to type them out; also, they were acceptably organized (though there were a few loose ends), and they were obviously very well-meaning. Overall, I have decided to give the most weight to your good attitude and well-meaning nature. The grade I would like to assign you is a solid B.

Unfortunately, we can't always do what we like. You see, while I would love to assign a B, I cannot: it is against my policy to accept late work. Might I remind you, Dr. X., this assignment was due in NOVEMBER! I'm sure you have very valid excuses for your tardiness, but don't we all? Excuses are like butt-holes, Dr. X.: everybody has one, and most of them stink. It pains me to say this, but your actual grade is an F.

Sincerely,

Max

P.S. Tell your two colleagues (you know, the ones who didn't bother to return my final papers at all) that they have received an F as well.

In case you were wondering, I'm not bitter. I got an A in each of my classes. There's just something I don't like about double standards, so sue me.

I agree, yesterday's post was a classic; today's post will not measure up. Speaking of measuring, what's with rulers? They think they're so smart, always accurately telling people how long things are. Zing.

Ducks are friends, not food.

The gyroball is propaganda. More on that later.*



*You're right; there probably won't be more on that later, but we'll have to see how Daisuke Matsuzaka does in his first 15 starts. My prediction: he'll be good, but there'll be no "amazing-curve-so-much ball."

Sarah asked me to do the laundry today. I told her, "I'm way ahead of you: I did the laundry three weeks ago." Zing.

Just to clarify, I was talking about the four mallard ducks that I hunted down like ducks and then ate like ducks. Peking ducks. Zing. In an unrelated matter, I had the Oregon Ducks playing the Texas Longhorns in the NCAA basketball finals. I'm pretty sure that a duck would be no match for a longhorn, but I guess now we'll never know, will we? Thanks for nothing Kevin Durant, Aaron Brooks, and company. Zing.

Now, a goose against a longhorn, that's another story. You don't mess with geese; they go for the crotch. Zing.

Zing against whom? Zing.

It's just one of those days.

P.S. If you don't believe me about the whole goose/crotch thing, go to your local duck pond and poke a goose; see if it doesn't happen.

P.P.S. And if you're going to do that, please make a video and send it to me.

I don't have any particularly interesting stories from this weekend; although, it was fascinating: Saturday, I cleaned the house while Sarah was at school (spring carnival and spring cleaning); Sunday, I cleaned more of the house while Sarah was running errands (i.e., at the dreaded mall). That about sums it up. Oh, I also bred a new species of rhododendron. Unfortunately, I didn't like the way it turned out, so I ate it.

P.S. Sorry about the Ducks; you know who you are...

Today in French class, my professor asked me a number of questions in front of the class (in French); this, itself, wasn't really out of the ordinary: she's always asking people questions. Today we were talking about family, and so the questions eventually worked their way to how long I had been married and at what age I had gotten married. When my professor learned that Sarah and I got 'hitched', as they say (and by they, I don't mean the French), at 20, her comment was, "Well...I hope it lasts." How optimistic.

P.S. I responded with "Moi aussi" (me too), but I wanted to say something snarky and sarcastic; the best I could come up with was something along the lines of, "Vous avez les cheveux bruns!" (You have brown hair!). I need to expand my vocabulary.

Quick translation from yesterday: I didn't really say anything; I was attempting to show that even though I've studied the languages, all I can say is stupid things like, "I am American. I have blond hair." Not that I'm against language study.

My spring break starts tomorrow. Normally I look forward to breaks, but this semester it doesn't really seem like I'm doing anything. In effect, I'm taking a break from nothing. It's a difficult life I lead, but somebody has to do it. Yeah, yeah, I know; get a job. Whatever.

Today I thought it would be interesting to write my post in binary code, then I remembered that I don't know binary code.

I also thought it would be interesting to write my post in another language, then I remembered that I don't really know any other languages.

Estudie espanol durante tres anos en escuela, pero no recuerdo nada.

Ich lerne Deutsch: ich komme aus Michigan, aber ich wohne in California. Das Wetter ist bedeckt heute. Ich bin 24. Ich studiere Deutch und Franzosisch. Ich mochte spiele karten. Das ist alles.

Je parle un peu francais: je suis American; j'ai les cheveux blonds, et j'ai les yeux bleus; j'aime jouer du baskets; je n'aime pas du tout nettoyer la maison, mais je dois nettoyer la maison. Randy et Jan adorent le chat, Tiger, etc., etc.

Applaud me.

Clean up in aisle three. Clean up in aisle three.

I promised to tell the stories from this weekend, but I'm pretty sure I lied: they're really long stories, and I didn't have as much time to write today as I'd hoped. Fortunately, I think I'll keep you enthralled when I keep saying, "tomorrow I'll tell you about how I had to convince a police officer not to arrest us for shooting 'arrows' at each other because the 'arrows' were actually marshmallows," and "later I'll explain how a light with a motion detector alerted me to intruders (or extruders, if that is an appropriate word that I just made up)." Well, talk to you tomorrow. Or not.

Well, this weekend went just about as well as to be expected, save for a few isolated incidents. Here is a sampling.

1) Our WINTER retreat was characterized by the 70-degree temperatures, and there was absolutely no snow (so we went bowling).

2) The Marshmallow Affair (broken up by the local police)

3) When I caught four of the girls sneaking out of the cabin at 2 AM.

Tune in some other time for further detail.

We're just about to head out to the mountains. I'll let you know how it goes if we make it back...

I think I forgot to mention that Sarah and I are going to the mountains this weekend. Actually, we're going to the mountain, singular: Big Bear. We're headed up with our church's youth group (it's about 2 hours from our house); they're having their annual winter retreat, and you-know-who got picked to be the 'guest speaker'. Essentially, I'll be giving two devotionals to a group of teenagers who are all upset that some dope they don't know is interrupting their snowboarding time with his yapping about something that they don't really care about right now. I'm sure I'll have their rapt attention.

And I still have to figure out whether it's okay to ski with a twisted ankle. And no snowpants. Or gloves. Or boots. Or jacket. I do have regular pants though, so that's a plus.

Pencils down. Thanks for playing. The closest guess was "that T one." The answer is actually Tahquamenon Falls, known for its amber-colored water. Scientists say this unique color is caused by tannin, a naturally-produced chemical that leeches into the water via the surrounding Cedar, Spruce, and Hemlock trees. I say that the color comes from fecal material pumped in illegally by the neighboring Canadians.

Be sure to tune in next time for the scathing expose.

Name this waterfall, get a prize. Don't name it, give me a prize.*

Hint: not a California landmark












*In reading this, you hereby agree to waive all rights to said prize and forfeit any monies you may have earned in your short life. Send all monies to Max via FedEx or face persecution.

You Can't Travel Back in Time, Scientists Say

OOHHH...so I CAN'T go back in time? And you figured this out all by yourselves? Did you use fancy equipment and do lots of research? How many years did it take you? I see you were even able to publish your findings.

And I can't get into a PhD program.

In other news, I twisted my ankle.

Click on the image to see a bigger shot.


Some of you may have heard about the fire 20 miles north of us. Don 't worry, we're fine; though church was smoky this morning. Others of you may be wondering how I keep posting pictures of my screen, or screenshots, as they are called; the answer is simple.

P.S. I am not going to share it at this time.

And we have a winner!



Be sure to keep an eye out for the second annual Great Weather Challenge in '08.

For those of you who may be confused, please scroll down to the entry posted on Tuesday, March 6.

Sarah needed the car the morning, so I was left to my own devices to get to my weekly game of Friday-morning basketball. The school where I play is only 4 miles away, so I decided to jog. I got there in no time and felt like I could easily have run another 4 miles, so I played hard for about an hour. On the way home, the first half mile went fine; then I realized that the ATP in my legs must have been running low (adenosine triphosphate is the fuel used by muscle), because my hamstrings were starting to cramp (caused by the citric acid that is a by-product of used ATP). In any case, by mile 2 of the return trip, I had to make the decision whether to push it and continue on toward home or to just stop off at Sarah's school and get the car. I think I'm getting a little wiser in my old age: I got the car.

Six miles of jogging; one hour of basketball; all before 7:30 AM. Not bad. But considering that my foot was too sore to do anything for the rest of the day (not really sure what happened there...), I'd say it was a wash.

P.S. Taco Bell called and said they had "regretfully gone in another direction."

Here's what the list might have told you: we like cereal, but one of us is lactose intolerant; one of us has allergies; one of us likes snacks/meals that are easy to eat on the go...

What are you, a detective? Stay out of my personal affairs!

The Great Weather Challenge of '07, status update: the weather service is sticking with their prediction of near-90 degree weather on Sunday, but is now predicting that Saturday will only be 77. I'm holding fast to whatever it was I said before. Seacrest out.

P.S. I'm not sure what that meant either.

Miniwheats
Cheerios
Milk
Lactaid
Claritin
Nutrigrain Bars
Chicken
Eggs
Pizza
Mushrooms
Toilet Paper

(It's amazing what an analysis of the items on this list could tell you.I'm sure your mind is reeling with possibilities...

P.S. I buy my fruits and vegetables at a different store, so don't go thinking that I'm not getting enough fiber...

P.P.S. Mushrooms are not a vegetable...

P.P.P.S. No they aren't.

P.P.P.P.S. Wanna bet?)

It was 81 degrees today, and the forecasters are predicting it will get up to almost 90 by the weekend.

It was 81 degrees today, and I'm predicting it will be 68 this weekend.

My track record speaks for itself, and I'm pretty sure, come Saturday, we'll find out who should be on TV and who should be writing a blog that 7 people read.

Let the Great Weather Forecast Challenge of '07 begin!

When I begin a blog entry, there are days that I know exactly what I want to say; however, most of the time, I don't know what I'm going to write until I sit down at the computer. As a result, there is usually an initial trial-and-error period in which I write a sentence or two (or half a sentence) and then delete it. Eventually, I hit on an acceptable idea, and the product is the blog entry on that given day. Today, I decided to give you some insight into my process. What you see below are things I thought of writing before I came up with the idea to share my process with you. Here goes...

So I decided to become a professional scuba diver.

Have you ever tried to have...

Today I was going to make up a story about how I'd decided to become a professional scuba diver, but I thought it would just confuse people.

I awoke in the middle of a dense forest. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then why did you just...

I don't really have anything interesting to say today.

I guess that...

Have you ever wondered...

You may have noticed the new link (right side of the page) entitled, "Max's Videos." If you have a high-speed internet connection (or infinite patience), you can click on the link to watch a video or two that I shot with our new camcorder. A small sample is below.



P.S. Thanks to all of you who gave us money for Christmas! (I spent my half on the camera; Sarah bought clothes and went to Niagara Falls--boo!)

P.P.S. Still no leads on the dignity.

In the last few days, I've been thinking (and posting) a lot about my future. I haven't really come up with anything, but I have realized the importance of having what some might call a "sugar momma."

P.S. Has anyone seen my dignity?