Just some thoughts on “Black Friday”, as the day after Thanksgiving is sometimes called. I find myself wondering whether the “great” deals actually save people any money.

Let’s begin at 3 AM, when the most avid shoppers wake up. At that hour, coffee is a necessity for most people. Two important consequences arise here 1) Coffee costs money, and 2) Brain function is impaired due to sleep deprivation.

Moving on, by 4 AM, these shoppers have already driven to far-away stores in search of the best deal and are waiting impatiently/excitedly in line with throngs of others in the same mental state (caffeine-driven impatience/excitement suppressed by low brain function). Here, two items are again of note: 1) Gas costs money, lots of money, 2) in many parts of the country, it’s cold at 4 AM in late November. Cold results in shivering; shivering burns calories; calories need to be replaced; food and drink replace calories; food and drink cost money.

By 5 AM, people are beginning to be ushered into the store a few at a time, much like farm animals headed for slaughter. An important point here is that, by this time, our shoppers are sleep-deprived, caffeine-buzzed, brain-dead livestock (no offense to any of you who might have partaken in the ritual). In any case, these creatures either wander aimlessly through the store in search of things that look shiny and have slashes through their price tags, or the shoppers make beelines for the high-ticket items in a coffee-induced mania.

Fast-forward to 9 AM. Our shoppers are at home, napping, and feeling like they got great deals, which they did. Unless, of course, you factor in the three cups of Starbuck’s café latte, the celebratory “grand-slam breakfast” at Denny’s, the pack of donuts eaten at the back of the line, the granola bar eaten in the middle of the line, the other pack of donuts (frantically eaten at the door, for that last burst of energy), and the 847 dollars in gas that it took to drive to the outlet mall. If you, as did I, factor in those things, then our shoppers just about broke even.

Fast-forward to Christmas morning. One by one, everyone opens their loot, and our shoppers frantically remember, “Nooooooooo!!!!! I forgot to send in the rebates!!!!!” And that, my friends, is how they get you. The end.