Sarah and I had our regularly scheduled teeth cleanings today. "What fun!", you might be thinking. And that's exactly what I was thinking. I mean, I take good care of my teeth. Limited sugar intake, no carbonated beverages, daily flossing and use of mouthwash, 2-103 brushing sessions per day. You get the idea.

So I was pretty confident that I'd get buckets of praise from a nice hygienist. I laid back in the chair, and after a few minutes of excruciating pain, nurse Ratchet stopped what she was doing and said, and I'm quoting here, "You need to floss man!" I mentioned (minus the indignancy I was feeling) that I floss daily, and she thought for a second and postulated, "Oh. Well, your gums are bleeding like crazy, so you might need to buy an electric toothbrush. We sell them at cost for only $90."

"Perhaps my gums are bleeding because, for the last 10 minutes, your hands have been shaking like you're detoxing from meth, and you've been GOUGING ME WITH A POINTY METAL HOOK! That's right, I see the METAL HOOK you're holding! And it didn't happen to occur to you that the bleeding might have something to do with the METAL HOOK?! Talk about victim-blaming. In the past, what's been the typical response that gums have given when you STAB THEM WITH FINELY TAPERED STAINLESS STEEL?!?!?!

YOU'RE USING A METAL HOOK!!!!!!! ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?! M-E-T-A-L H-O-O-K!!!!!!"

At least, this is how I recounted (re-screamed) the conversation to Sarah in the car afterwards. With, so I'm told, a large vein pulsing/bulging from my skull and neck.

What I really said was, "Oh, an electric toothbrush? Do you think that will help?"