Sarah and I were browsing in the Apple store yesterday, and employees kept coming up to us and excitedly saying things like: "Hi! How are you today?!? Do you have any questions?!?!?" Come on guys, I know we're in a recession and you probably really need the commission so you can hire the social skills tutor you obviously need, but I only go into a store for two reasons.

Reason one: to buy something. In this case, I don't need any help. I already know what I want to buy, and I don't need you to try and convince me that I want something more expensive so that you can go next door to Abercrombie and buy those extra tight pants you wanted (don't forget to tuck them into your socks).

Reason two: to see if I want to buy something. In this case, I still don't need any help. I already know what I probably want to buy. If it's a good deal, I will. If it's not a good deal, I'll go home. And I don't need you to try and convince me that I want something just so you can get that acne cream you think will help (it won't).

Anyway, yesterday we were just pricing a $19 chord we thought we might buy (so we could hook our laptop to our TV), and so we definitely didn't need/want a whole lot of attention from the Nerd Herd (I think Apple calls them the 'Geniuses'--yeah, 'ok'). We'd been there less than five minutes when, for the third time, an employee came to see how we were doing. Here's a snippet.

Employee: Hi!!!! How are you today!!!!

Me: (biting off my words) Fine. How are you? (I didn't really want to know)

Employee: (ignoring my question) Do you have any questions?!?!?

Me: (perturbed) Inside voice: I just asked you a question and you didn't answer it. Outside voice: No.

Employee: (looking quizzically at me) Are you sure?

Me: (trying valiantly to stop myself from punching him in groin) Inside Voice: What do you mean 'are you sure?'!!! No, you caught me. I'm so stupid that, not only can I not find the product I'm looking for in a 300 square foot space, but I'm also too stupid to remember that I wanted to ask you a question. What was it again? Oh yeah: if this is the apple store, then where are all the apples? Outside Voice: Yes, I'm quite sure.

Employee: Oh. Well, if you think of any, I'll be over here!!!

Which brings me to my larger point: I can't throw a rock through a store nowadays without hitting someone who's trying to help me buy something because I'm too stupid to (a) find it myself, or (b) know that I needed it in the first place. What happened to the spirit of adventure that made this country what it is? Our ancestors traveled harrowing journeys to a new world in search of a better life. They traveled to the West in wagons, braving harsh conditions in search of new opportunities. They went to the moon. THE MOON!!!

Today, we can't find the AAA batteries at Wal-Mart without a sales associate, and don't get me started on what happens if we try and use the self-checkout machine to buy them. Is this the Twilight Zone? Where am I? What's happening?