Isn't it interesting that if someone says, "no offense," this person has license to say whatever he or she wants. You're not allowed to get mad, upset, or offended. Let's try one.

You: "No offense, but you smell."

Me: "None taken: thanks for the heads-up, you idiot--no offense."

You: "You're probably right, so don't worry about it, but, and no offense intended, your face looks like a goat's butt."

Me: "I actually noticed that this morning while I was shaving and thinking about how I wished you were dead--no offense."