Have you ever wondered what it wouldn’t be like to go to Mars? Me too, but before today, I really had never not unintentionally done something about it. Today that changed: when I woke around noon (no job, remember), I purposefully sat up in bed, walked to the living room, and then read the newspaper—on earth. Later, I deliberately played golf (all the while resisting the temptation to leave my home planet). Now, I am typing, you guessed it, on earth (okay, you got me, technically I am typing on a keyboard, but you get the idea). And so, barring any unforeseen disaster, I will have succeeded in my mission to not go to Mars. Who knows what worlds I won’t conquer tomorrow.

More importantly, a moth just attempted to fly into my mouth. This is apparently normal because mouths, as everyone knows, emanate light. Otherwise, there’d be no rational reason for a moth to be attracted to my talk hole (as you’ll remember from not being ignorant, moths are attracted to light, not to dark, gaping holes filled with things such as teeth and candy and other candy).